Goodbye, Japan (For Now)

On June 30th, I left Japan.

It was one of the least dramatic things I had ever experienced.

Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't slept properly for two days prior to the flight. Maybe it was the fact that I had already been in the airport for 6 hours waiting with my luggage because Singapore Airlines doesn't let you check in luggage until 2.5 hours before your flight. Maybe I had prepared myself for this so much that I had gone past the stage of acceptance. In all, I've only cried once about not being in Japan since I returned - that one time was in the Baggage Claim at Boston after almost 3 days of no sleep. I was emotionally spent.

I've only been back in New Hampshire for 5 days, but it feels like at least a month. Since I've returned, I've been hunting for an apartment, rearranging my class schedule, and making plans to see friends. I always have Japan on my mind, though; how I'll get back, what I'll do, and how long it will be until I can go back (realistically). I don't have an answer to any of those questions right now.

What I do know is that I'm about to write a horribly cliche post of how much I've changed over the course of ten months in Japan. I can't confirm or deny that these changes are a result of being in Japan, or simply a result of me growing up (not that I'm an adult).

I've learned how to be 500% more comfortable with myself as a person. When you feel like you're being stared at every day because of how you look, you either go crazy or you adjust. Thankfully, I adjusted. I'm not saying everyone in the entire country stared at me, but there were more than a few that I noticed every time I went out. I even learned how to ignore it after a while.

I'm not ashamed of my interests. I came to Japan and admitted to everyone in my dorm immediately that I liked visual kei - which earned a collective gasp from everyone - but I said it with trepidation. Now, I can freely admit it. I'll even admit I spent a gross amount of money on concert tickets. Do you want to know how much?...So do I. I didn't keep track. I still have all of the ticket stubs, though.

I've learned how to deal with embarrassment, and, to some extent, deal with it. When you have the Japanese competency of a 5-year-old, you're bound to make a lot of stupid mistakes. There are also a lot of cultural things I didn't and still don't know about. But, you know what? Asking questions shouldn't make you feel embarrassed. Asking "stupid" questions to store attendants in English isn't a problem to me at all anymore - you try struggling to ask things in Japanese that people learned how to do when they were children. I'd rather ask than do it wrong, says the perfectionist in me.

I've learned how to open up to new people. I haven't completely eliminated my shyness, but I can definitely hold a conversation to some extent. I still don't know how to deal with people I dislike, but I do know how to keep in contact with those I do like. If I want to be friends with someone, I initiate it. No excuses. (This doesn't work for me when thinking of approaching boys, unfortunately...)

My current goals are to figure out what exactly it is I want to do and go towards it without fear of failure or fear of judgement. It's not something I like to admit, but I care a lot about what people think of me and the decisions I make. I must ask at least 4 people before making big decisions. I can't do that for the rest of my life.

There's a lot more that I learned, but I think I'll leave that for you to ask. I'll be around.